Running Man

12/05/2011 01:20

Yeah, that's right. I'm throwing my hat from the ring.

And because I have no political acumen, Let me tell you right now just what exactly I believe and what I'll do once elected.

Disease Research

From bird flu to disco fever, you should find cures to the epidemics that threaten to wipe us out. We do this by better using the intellectual capital, one example is, taking the R&D team that brought us the automatic feed paper towel dispenser at restaurants and repurposing them. We pull them aside and simply say 'fellas, congratulations. You could have reached the zenith in the area of public restroom paper towel distribution. Now your country needs you for someone else important task.'

Border Security

I possess a solution that will hermetically seal our Mexican border for mere pennies. We simply take the material they'll use to seal new DVDs and CDs and wrap that stuff along the border, from Tijuana to Brownsville. When you well know, it's absolutely unattainable into. Problem solved.

Humanitarian Aid

I believe under-developed countries are held down, not by lack of international compassion or generosity, but by corruption in their governments. That's why my blueprint for relief goes this way: a meal for every child, a property for every family, along with a bullet for every despot. Seriously, the bullet part will only cost a few cents. For your cost-to-benefit ratio, it can't be beat.


There is a real evil at work in our world today. These sub-humans take what little power they have and leverage it to instill fear and inflict suffering on honest, hardworking Americans.

But enough about homeowners' associations.

When you are looking at terrorists, I firmly support using torture to extract vital information. We start simple, then slowly work our way up as needed to the more brutal torture techniques like 'Spin The Bottle with Rosie O'Donnell.'


Under my administration, in combination with our pledge of allegiance, we're going to adopt a national gang sign. Nothing can compare to throwing up a gang sign to one of your homies as you pass, maybe tossing within a little upward head nod almost like to say 'Wassup, playa.' Now every citizen is able to enjoy this instant connection and camaraderie.


Now, you may well be thinking 'Matthew, you're a quasi-middle class white male. What else could you know of the plight of minorities?' My buddies, I was a virgin until my wedding, so I know full well concerning the hardships of growing as a minority.

So on Election Day, while you step into the booth, I really want you to look at your ballot. You read those names, and also you find the one that, in your heart of hearts, you already know can truly effect positive change for that country. Then, just below that candidate's name, write in 'Matthew Porter.'

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Goodnight, and could God bless America.