Staying on The Funny Side of Fat reduction Secrets

12/05/2011 01:43

I would like to thank for your email you just sent reminding me that i am overweight. How did you find me? Have you been there when I used emergency money to buy girl scout cookies? After i dove between the sofa cushions because I assumed I saw a French fry? After i ran past you during my bathing suit at the pool and acquired three toddlers? How will you people know that I must lose weight, need money transferred from Nigerian royalty, and get been looking everywhere for your fake Rolodex? Baffling.

So, Mister TiredOfYourWeight, I appreciate for you to took time in the middle of the night time to send me this urgent email to express your weight loss secret that's sure to revolutionize the globe and to give me the chance buy into it before other people. I am flattered that you spend a great deal of time and energy caring about strangers. If only you would spend precisely the same amount of time learning to spell and removing the strands of gibberish within your heartfelt message which, until I speak in tongues, I can't translate. I'm sure you mean well, but I don't need the revolutionary respond to instant weight loss. The simple truth is, I already know a better solution, and have known it for years. In fact, it really hasn't been much of a secret since 4th grade biology. Eat fewer than you are, do more exercise than you are, and you may lose weight. Shocking I am aware. Knowing what to do isn't the secret. It's working.

You see, I would rather drink lumpy shakes constructed from goat's urine, strap thirty pounds of spandex to my figure, and spend thousands on hairdos, clothes, and accessories sure to make me look a size smaller. I might rather have my colon flushed and take weight loss supplements that cause hair loss, fainting spells, as well as the unavoidable explosive diarrhea. Try not to make me eat vegetables - that's just gross. I'd like those programs that you actually pay more to have less. I would rather spend hours reading manuals from experts claiming it isn't really the quantity but the combinations of foods- just don't mix the brown Snickers while using the tan French fries and you're simply fine.

I want to sit around perplexed saying, "But I would not eat that much" and convince myself that I must have some rare thyroid condition which everybody's order delivers the word Supersize. I want to buy exercise tapes that i am too lazy to open up and fancy treadmills to maintain my plants, rather than park at the back of the car park and take the stairs. I am not interested in the kind of exercise where I will be involved. I don't even want to get up to change the TV. I once watched a twenty-four hour Valerie Bertinelli marathon because I could not find the remote. I might rather sit around with a group of other fat people and have them tell me size doesn't matter and look at skinny people in disgust and hope they're miserable.

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So The only the secret to fat loss, Mr. TiredOfYourWeight. Perhaps in the event you could come up with a revolutionary service the things we don't need to do. Now that I would read. So thanks but no thanks. I might, however, be interested in the right way to earn a million in one week without ever being required to get dressed or leave the home. Do you have a cousin who'd that?