The Good Old Days Are Gone

12/05/2011 01:36

I yearn for a simpler time. Life during this modern age can be frustrating and scary, what with the global warming and the bad cholesterol as well as high-definition reruns of 'The Nanny'. I desire a more peaceful existence, free from the complications in the twenty-first century lifestyle. I'm willing to re-adopt a few of our long-forgotten traditions, to recapture the halcyon era of yore. Yesteryore, even. I'm not screwing around here.

First, I'd like to go back to using surnames to clarify peoples' professions. So, easily meet a Shoemaker, I'll know he is able to help me patch the holes in my sneakers. If I run into a Baker, I will ask for a 'doughnut hole', without worrying just how he'll interpret the request. Just in case a Parker happens to be around -- well, maybe he is able to finally get my car into my garage spot. Plus, this individual be turn out to be Spider-Man. That might be sweet.

While we're at it, how about if we get back on riding horses to receive around? Gas expense is high, pollution is terrible, i for one am fed up of that creepy, big-eared 'zoom zoom' brat. Significantly better that we should saunter around the natural way, atop large domesticated hairy animals. We will ride twelve wide along the highway, trotting and cantering our strategy to the office. Sure, we'll all need stables -- and salt licks, and hay bales, as well as level of poop inside the streets would escalate, simply a touch, unless you are in Paramus -- but it's a small price to pay to be rid of our mobile metal monsters. And merely think of all the glue and Big Macs we'll be able to make with the 'leftovers'.

It doesn't end there, though. I believe we should settle our own differences the old-fashioned way, too, that has a nice pistol duel. Whether or not this was good enough for that founding fathers, then you will want to us? Put away the flamboyant Glocks and rifles -- them won't help you much, anyway, after we convert back to horseback travel. Have you ever heard of a 'gallop-by shooting'? Me, neither. We'll nip a lot of violence inside the bud, if the would-be perps were required to use ancient flint-lock pieces to accomplish their dirty deeds. Those techniques are more likely to blow off your fingers instead of take out your enemy. I'd consider before stepping off ten paces from the guy who dissed my baby's mama, without doubt.

I suppose the Internet is otherwise engaged, too -- if there's any scenario that screams 'modern technology', it's the internet. So we'll need to get our porn somewhere else, obviously. But also our communications -- email goes out the window, too. Maybe we are able to Pony Express parchments to one another, or learn to send 'leetspeak' messages via smoke signal. Obviously, if the spammers get their grubby paws on that technology, they'll fill the skies with soot, selling their snake oil and combination butter churns/penis enlargers. Therefore you thought pop-up ads were bad; at least nobody ever got black lung from a single of those.

Finally, let's start talking just like the old-timers -- sorry, I mean, 'olde-timers'. All the fancy new lingo and technical jargon around today -- let's throw all of it away, and change it with words like 'forsooth' and ''verily'. Sure, nobody knows what the hell those things mean any longer, but is that really any different than technoweenie talk like 'phishing' or 'emoticon'? If we'll be unintelligible, at least we are able to sound Shakespearean. That's my attitude.

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Would any of these measures make people easier? Perhaps. Maybe we must ask the Amish, before we visit all the trouble. They actually seem happy, raising barns and venturing in buggies and not smoking or drinking or dancing or... wow. If we're truly serious about going 'retro', I assume we have to fall in step with all of that uber-observant religious mumbo-jumbo, too. I never thought about that. And there's absolutely no way I'm getting up before noon every sunday, or giving up my three-margarita breakfasts. So, don't worry. Maybe the modern life isn't quite so bad, after all. Verily.